Ok ok here we go. I’m going to justify this post by saying, “I, a Han fan girl, have the right to write this post because Anakin won the poll.” Ok, now, time for the post.
Do you want to get a girl like this? -->
A girl who won’t be able to resist your manly charms, even though you’re four years younger than her? Well, this tutorial will show you all the steps to becoming a man like Anakin.
1.) Be a slave. Go back and look at your childhood. Were you a slave as a child? A slave that despite having nothing, decided to help people he didn’t even know? If so, its your lucky day, you’ve passed the first step and can now move onto the second step! If not…well…lets just say, you will have to go find a flux capacitor, go back in time to your childhood (and try not to screw everything up) and make yourself that slave boy. I suggest finding your own personal Doc to help with this.
2.) Be force sensitive. It’ll work well with your girl’s force sensitiveness! Its chemistry!! And the fact that you are force sensitive will buy you out of slavery. IF you are not force sensitive, don’t even try step one. You should just give up right now.
3.) Train to become a Jedi. Enough said.
4.) Become your girls body guard. She’ll look to you for protection, and it’ll allow you more time be near her, and woe her. Also, it will give you the chance to save her life.
5.) Be dangerously handsome. Anakin always looks like he is glaring, even when he’s not. You do get the occasional smile. But for some reason, girls go gaga over his ‘dangerously handsome’ look.
6.) (OK people, this is a authors note real quick: This next one is all in good fun, and I’m just going along with it, and am I no way being serious.) Try to seduce her. Of course, if you are failing at step 5, then this will probably not work. For instance, touch her shoulder, or her lower back. Tell her she’s beautiful. Move in for the kiss….then BAM! KISSING! But wait, she’s stopped kissing you! She’s saying its wrong, what do you do now?? Well, lets move onto step 7.
7.) Argue with her. Adds to the drama of the relationship, and makes for a better climax in your relationship with her over all. ;)
8.)Have a tragedy happen that causes you to do a very un-Jedi like thing. Enough said here
9.)Go on a really stupid mission you weren’t really supposed to go on and get captured! Have your Jedi master make smart comments at you while you’re both sitting there awaiting your death. BUT before you die, now would be the appropriate time to look the woman you love in the eye and hypnotize her into confessing her love for you. You will kiss, then you will go to your execution.
10.)Don’t die. This is a very important step, because if you die, the steps before will have been in vain. Fight along side your lover, saving her a couple times if you can.
11.) Be rescued. Also important, because it has to do with step 10.
12.)Now, you are free to secretly marry her. Don’t tell the other Jedi about this though, because technically you guys aren’t supposed to be getting married
13.) Grow long flowy hair and have even more of a scowl on your face.
14.) Do your second un-Jedily thing. It could be anything, but preferably killing someone; perhaps an unarmed (or…unhanded xD) man, which is just not a good thing to do, Jedi or not.
15.) You’ve gotten your wife pregnant, good job! You’re gonna be a daddy!
16.) Turn to the dark side. Don’t worry, your wife will still love you, for she is so forgiving and she loves you unconditionally.
17.Kill a bunch of innocent children. Again, your wife will love you unconditionall.
18.) Almost kill your hugely pregnant wife. Notice, I said /almost kill./ She’ll probably die on her own anyway (;-;) in child birth.
19.) Get both your legs, and your hand cut off, and get horribly burned in lava. And that ends the happy life you lived with your beautiful wife. You did not die, but she did.
Now, we’ll be right back after this commercial break.
What do you do now that you’re horribly ugly and incapable of moving? You get this brand new, never used, Darth Vader suit!! With new legs, a new hand, and a really cool mask that makes you sound like you always have a cold, you’ll be fully equipped for your years of Sith lordly-ness. Its only $99,999,999 plus shipping and handling! If you act NOW we’ll include this cool harmonica for you to play wicked harmonica solos on!!! This offer does not include Canada, Naboo, Tatooine, or Dogobah.
And we’re back with the final step!!!
20.) After you’ve acquired your Darth Vader suit, shake your fists at the sky and shout, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” when you find out your wife has died.
22.) Learn how to play awesome harmonica solos, just to creep your son out when you finally meet him face to face later on in life.
I wish you good luck on your journey to becoming Anakin!
Afterword:
Ok guys I got all sad when I wrote the last step (not the harmonica one, the one before it.) For some reason I was thinking he screamed, “PADME!!!” But I couldn’t be sure, so I went and watched that last part of the movie and I was like, “……;-; Padme just died……;-;” I hardly ever watch that part because I hate it. Its sad.
Anyway, I’m gonna give you a topic of discussion for the comments below, just to avoid TOO many angry Ani’s girls comments. (PS: Padme, you are still free to post your feelings on Anakin.)
Star Wars: is it fantasy or sci-fi?
Have fun with that my dear readers, and I bid you good Thursday!
MTFBWY
~Qui~
PS: Notice how I included the harmonica? ;)
PPS (or is it PSS): The other day, i was at a dinner at my church and I was sittign with the youth group. I ended up sitting next to this dude who looked like Luke Skywalker. EXACTLY LIKE HIM! I was thinking maybe he's a teenage Mark Hamill come to the future to do something! But no...his name is Cameron. xD
